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FRENCH MILITARY DEFEATS

 

While we are waiting for this game to start and also to post on another forum I thought i would re-post one of my funnier extracts, its not mine except for the editing to make it a little more entertaining. Enjoy

 

- Gallic Wars

- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman]

 

- Hundred Years War

- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

 

- Italian Wars

- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

 

- Wars of Religion

- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

 

- Thirty Years War

- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

 

- War of Revolution

- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

 

- The Dutch War

- Tied

 

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War

- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

 

- War of the Spanish Succession

- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

 

- American Revolution

- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

 

- French Revolution

- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

 

- The Napoleonic Wars

- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

 

- The Franco-Prussian War

- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

 

- World War I

- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

 

- World War II

- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

 

- War in Indochina

- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

 

- Algerian Rebellion

- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

 

- War on Terrorism

- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

 

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

 

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

 

Or, better still, the quote from the Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

 

Further evidence..........

 

Norse invasions, 841-911.

After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

 

1066 A.D. William The Conquerer Duke and Ruler of France Launches the Largest Invasion in the history of the world no other was as large until the same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th 1944 William Fights Harold for the Throne of England Which old king Edward rightfully left to William but Harold Usurped the throne Will fights the Saxons (English)wins and the French Rule England for the Next 80 Years. then the French start the largest building and economic infrastructure since the fall of the Roman Empire the Norman Economy skyrockets and the Normans inadvertantly start England to become a major world Power Vive La France-

 

Oh dear. We seem to have overlooked some basic facts. Firstly, Philip the First (1060 - 1108) was King of France at the time of the Norman invasion of 1066 - William was Duke of Normandy and, incidentally, directly descended from the Vikings. William was, therefore, as alien to France as the experience of victory. Since Philip did not invade England, the victory at Hastings was Norman - not French. Normandy may be a part of France now but it most certainly wasn't in 1066. Therefore, William's coronation as King of England had nothing whatsoever to do with the French. As usual, they were nowhere near the place when the fighting was going on. The mistaken belief that 1066 was a French victory leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare; "When incapable of any victory whatsoever - claim someone else's".

 

Mexico, 1863-1864.

France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

 

Panama jungles 1881-1890.

No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

 

Napoleonic Wars.

Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

 

Haiti, 1791-1804.

French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally. The 4th Rule.

 

India, 1673-1813.

British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

 

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.

Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

 

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.

French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

 

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.

Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

 

French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

 

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.

When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

 

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.

Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

 

Third Crusade.

Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

 

Seventh Crusade.

St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

 

[Eighth] Crusade.

St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

 

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

 

 

Seven year War 1756-1763

Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

 

 

The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.

 

 

And if you have read this far then I feel my take on history is a little more entertaining - Something else the French are useless at, Entertaining, unless its at the stake on fire - Some French bird springs to mind. Anyway on with the show - pip pip

So what you are saying, is that you wish to be as good as the French??? :woohoo::beer:

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I've been a Supernova player since that game started (well, off and on) but I've been thinking lately of trying out Victory for the first time. Is it worth it to try and learn these rules by jumping into a game, or is the new version of the game going to be out soon and make that pointless?

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Guest Spongebob

Jump in, let me kill you, dont read the rules, it never did me any harm...

 

Seriously though I tried doing it the other way and join SN but was just not feeling it. What I would say is give it a go and if its not for you then at least you tried it

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I jumped in... read the rules (and -- important -- the rules appendix...) try and join with a few friends that are close... or make some friends when joining so you can start close together.

 

Except for the pickup I did I started one game, with a small country with some allies.. make sure you get TA's quickly (the only way to not fight blindly is with TA's who show your combat reports in their turns) -- starting a game alone, especially a bigger country without TA's will probably not be as enjoyable.

 

I would post here to see if there is any group of 3 or 4 signing up that would like to take you in, help you with the setup and give you a few safe borders and a healthy intel to make it the most enjoyable.

 

-- you can always join alone and find friends (or enemies) in the first few turns... or pick Iceland who is safe for pretty much the beginning of the game.

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I've been a Supernova player since that game started (well, off and on) but I've been thinking lately of trying out Victory for the first time. Is it worth it to try and learn these rules by jumping into a game, or is the new version of the game going to be out soon and make that pointless?

 

Maybe your children will see the new version of Victory... you probably shouldn't wait for it.

 

And... what Edwin says... jumping is good, your enjoyment (and chances of survival, which have a correlation with that) will benefit from having a sensei to guide and advise you while you are developing your mastery of the game and it's mechanics, dynamics and politics.

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Maybe your children will see the new version of Victory... you probably shouldn't wait for it.

Sadly my son's not much of a wargamer. I can't even get him to play Red Alert. If it's not first-person, (or at least over-the-shoulder third-person) he isn't interested.

I'll think about Victory while I'm in Hawaii (at least a little) and if I'm still interested when I return, I'll join up. :)

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If it helps, that's how I got started in Vic 42? (maybe it was 45), just signed up! I knew nobody in the game when I joined, just saw an ad somewhere. And this is when turns were sent to a BBS. My first few turns were sent in on paper! (man, I'm glad I don't have to do that anymore)

With several notable exceptions, most of the time I just sign up, and see what happens. I've made some pretty decent mates over the years. :woohoo:

Oh, and you will make friends, just don't take military advice from spongecus! :pirate::beer:

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Guest Spongebob

Maybe your children will see the new version of Victory... you probably shouldn't wait for it.

Sadly my son's not much of a wargamer. I can't even get him to play Red Alert. If it's not first-person, (or at least over-the-shoulder third-person) he isn't interested.

I'll think about Victory while I'm in Hawaii (at least a little) and if I'm still interested when I return, I'll join up. :)

 

Take away his computer, playstation or whatever he uses to play these games. I have no sons only daughters. 8 and 5 years and they are being brainwashed into playing Victory, they will be forced to join the army at 16 and then they will train as pilots and then become astronaughts. This is the only option for them, I have warned them if they do not follow the path I have set out before them then they will end up like there mother. Fat watching TV all day (SLAP) oh hello dear, not you..... no honest, was just writing the next chapter to my book.

 

As for you kurryarsier I would have you know my advice has saved thousands of lives, Krelnett will of course have to swear alligence to the Church of Oceanography and become my slave.

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Guest Spongebob

Nice has nothing to do with it. I will again rise as Denmark and quest for world domination, your either with me or against me, there is no middle ground. Follow the Sponge into battle or be squashed under foot, your choice now lets get this show on the road. Should be a boost in sign ups since a game has recently finished.

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Nice has nothing to do with it. I will again rise as Denmark and quest for world domination, your either with me or against me, there is no middle ground. Follow the Sponge into battle or be squashed under foot, your choice now lets get this show on the road. Should be a boost in sign ups since a game has recently finished.

 

 

86 also only has two turns remaining...btw russ promised me Denmark this game! B)

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