Octus Imperium Posted March 9, 2007 Report Share Posted March 9, 2007 Just curious. Have you heard from your 'sister' empires Taco by the Bell and Pizza Hutt-Hutt recently? And I thought your races prayed in the Grand Cathedral to PepsiCo. Perhaps just some urban legend with no basis in facts. Oh, we did have a recent sighting of a Ken-Taco-Hut..... Octus Imperium Octus Imperium Sir We are not familiar with these empires at all! Have you had contact with them? Are they aggressive? Have they attacked your frontline or your waistline? We fear a two front war and have devised military plans to eliminate this kind of threat. It is called Von Scheffeather’s Plan. We are presently fighting a particularly nasty battle…we call it the “Battle of the Bulge”, but a general tightening of the belt has limited enemy progress so far. Any information about these empires would be appreciated and can be forwarded here…specifically, if they are at all related to birds….. OK, a chicken or two may have been inconvenienced during the writing of this response, but nothing more, we swear. There have been rumors and rumors of rumors about these empires. Based on the BMI of the locals, we suspect there is infiltration by the enemy into many, many empires in the northern hemisphere of the universe, if not the southern half as well. It appears their favorite approach is to chemically alter (via some mysterious process) the local food grain (often called 'corn') into a sweet liquid useful for improving the taste and consistency of consumable foodstuffs. It is thought that the early research efforts to create Improved and Advanced Foodstuffs resulted in this mysterious process being discovered. There is also thought to be infiltration of this consumable into popular beverages! Some radical recommendations include drinking only pure rain water and grain alcohol to maintain the purity of precious bodily fluids. Personally, our ministers recommend the latter and not the former. While belt tightening may reduce the appearance of a modest bulge, it tends to destroy clothing and produce an 'overhang'. Most unsightly. And uncomfortable. But a local professor has suggested a way to combat this undesirable bulging (and the general increase in the BMI as discussed above), a high protein diet excluding carbohydrates (for those life forms with protein-carbo-fat diets). I would recommend the diet by Senior Scientist Aatkinns to you and I think your race would find it enjoyable and easy to comply with. Plenty of fowl are in the diet and none of that nasty bird food they consume. We will continue to scan for these evil empires and post any meaningful sightings for the good of the universal community. Prime Councilor Octus Imperium Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KFC Posted March 10, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 10, 2007 Lord Uriel Surely Sir, you did not find the fact that I am about to have surgery upon my fourth heart humours? Our species has a total of five hearts, mostly due to a evolutionary response to our diet. Regardless of the fact that this type of surgery is very common in our empire, it does require that we be enter a “relaxed” state of consciousness for the procedure. Perhaps if you understood the “gravity” of this process you would not find this “funny.” As you are not familiar with this technique, I will indulge you in a brief description of this procedure: 1. We begin with a light snack box – ten pieces, coleslaw, dippin biscuits and gravy. Understand that we do not respect the use of rooted plants cut into strange shapes, and named after people from a foreign countries/empires or the concept of Freedom. 2. We follow this meal with a series of prayers to Trans-Fattus the Dark One. For the uninitiated, we stand clutching our left chest and induce sharp pains that run up and down the left side of our body. Sometimes we pray so hard we pass out. 3. We then carefully remove our white suits and prepare for the procedure. As we have finished a large meal, we are in a state of drowsiness and are very relaxed. 4. As we stand in the operating theatre, a red and white rotating bucket descends from the ceiling carrying the holo-surgery-suite. As the bucket picks up speed, the holo-lasers begin the cut – scrape – balloon insert – the various valves to our hearts. 5. With the surgery complete, we are moved to a recovery room. Here, an IV of thinned gravy is introduced, and the patient may only consume original recipe for one week. So you can see, this is no trivial laughing matter. For the sake of interstellar piece, we are prepared to ignore this transgression. In the words of our traditional greeting and parting… “my your fingers be licking good – cousin.” TErnest You Sir, are a ruuubarb! Furthermore, you are a true Southern Gentleman, a scholar, and I shall dance at your wedding! I laughed, I cried, I saw the movie...twice! Well played Sir! Good day! Once again, no chickens were hurt in the making of this response. We live in fear of Pamela Anderson and her evil crusade against us! We have heard of the Flock. If you should run into them, bring your Mk VI Pluckers because we understand these birds are tough. ali-t-akua Sir Tough birds you say….. we are very, very well equipped to handle all situations. What makes them so tough….do they use fowl language or are they physically hard to digest? Our top scientists have developed technology lines to meet these kinds of challenges…. Mk XIV Pressure Cooker – Offensive system Mk VIII Marinate Bowl – Defensive system Much of our technology must remain classified over open channels, but if we could be of assistance to you in dealing with this species, please send a courier drone. Please excuse me, but the cluck just hit 6:15. I must now make the pilgrimage to my local cathedral to worship the Dark One Trans-Fattus! Worship the Dark One…He clogs upon you not to fowl out in the great game of life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali-t-akua Posted March 10, 2007 Report Share Posted March 10, 2007 Lord Uriel Surely Sir, you did not find the fact that I am about to have surgery upon my fourth heart humours? Our species has a total of five hearts, mostly due to a evolutionary response to our diet. Regardless of the fact that this type of surgery is very common in our empire, it does require that we be enter a “relaxed” state of consciousness for the procedure. Perhaps if you understood the “gravity” of this process you would not find this “funny.” As you are not familiar with this technique, I will indulge you in a brief description of this procedure: 1. We begin with a light snack box – ten pieces, coleslaw, dippin biscuits and gravy. Understand that we do not respect the use of rooted plants cut into strange shapes, and named after people from a foreign countries/empires or the concept of Freedom. 2. We follow this meal with a series of prayers to Trans-Fattus the Dark One. For the uninitiated, we stand clutching our left chest and induce sharp pains that run up and down the left side of our body. Sometimes we pray so hard we pass out. 3. We then carefully remove our white suits and prepare for the procedure. As we have finished a large meal, we are in a state of drowsiness and are very relaxed. 4. As we stand in the operating theatre, a red and white rotating bucket descends from the ceiling carrying the holo-surgery-suite. As the bucket picks up speed, the holo-lasers begin the cut – scrape – balloon insert – the various valves to our hearts. 5. With the surgery complete, we are moved to a recovery room. Here, an IV of thinned gravy is introduced, and the patient may only consume original recipe for one week. So you can see, this is no trivial laughing matter. For the sake of interstellar piece, we are prepared to ignore this transgression. In the words of our traditional greeting and parting… “my your fingers be licking good – cousin.” TErnest You Sir, are a ruuubarb! Furthermore, you are a true Southern Gentleman, a scholar, and I shall dance at your wedding! I laughed, I cried, I saw the movie...twice! Well played Sir! Good day! Once again, no chickens were hurt in the making of this response. We live in fear of Pamela Anderson and her evil crusade against us! We have heard of the Flock. If you should run into them, bring your Mk VI Pluckers because we understand these birds are tough. ali-t-akua Sir Tough birds you say….. we are very, very well equipped to handle all situations. What makes them so tough….do they use fowl language or are they physically hard to digest? Our top scientists have developed technology lines to meet these kinds of challenges…. Mk XIV Pressure Cooker – Offensive system Mk VIII Marinate Bowl – Defensive system Much of our technology must remain classified over open channels, but if we could be of assistance to you in dealing with this species, please send a courier drone. Please excuse me, but the cluck just hit 6:15. I must now make the pilgrimage to my local cathedral to worship the Dark One Trans-Fattus! Worship the Dark One…He clogs upon you not to fowl out in the great game of life. Bless you sir for your kind offer. You do appear to be well prepared for dealing with that hearty race of avians. Fortunately we have yet to run into that race and have only heard of them through the "grapevine" so to speak but should we do so we will keep your offer in mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KFC Posted March 14, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2007 Hmmm. A strange aversion to root plants? What about mashed with butter? Very tasty. I also noticed a lack of commentary on biscuits with honey. There are a couple of species (dropped I believe) Krellnet (a type of bee, and Eternus (a type of flower) who may be able to assist in your honey production. At one time, there was a species of "doughboys" led by a creature with a ticklish tummy who may be very valuable towards biscuits production. Chickens, or other avian type species do exist, but are not too vocal I believe. As to my chuckle at your posting. Few empires post in character, and those that do are often entertaining such as yours. However, if you are offended may I offer to send some "diplomats," to resolve this dispute? Generals Grant and Sherman are quite willing to meet with you in your homes and courthouses to discuss the matter. A small element of the 20th Maine and Iron Brigade will escort them. Lord Uriel New Sparta Lord Uriel My apologies Sir! Duties requiring my attention this cycle have delayed responses to various species on this channel. Yours is one of them. To answer some of your questions: We have a strong aversion to rooted plants as we are meat eaters at hearts…yes all five of them. We do not understand species that consume these items, when perfectly good fowl bathed in eleven herbs and rare spices are on a plate. As to your offer to send diplomats, I would like to say clearly that “We come in PIECE!” ……uuuhhh…excuse me. It has come to my attention that the Type A Universal Translator Device has not provided proper translations in some cases. “We come in PEACE” is what we should be saying! We are not warlike in nature. We seek herbs and spices and the odd bird, nothing more! There is no need for you to go to all the trouble of sending diplomats and a brigade to mine for iron. Regardless, we would have offered them the full extent of Southern hospitality, as I hear generals from that region of space like to drink! I will no longer “Stonewall” you on this topic and “Lee-ve” it alone. Thank you for the offer all the same. You sir, are truly a gentleman. In response to your assumption of fowl not begin vocal, we offer this transmission picked up in sub space from an unknown planet. We frequently pick up messages that have been bouncing in space for centuries. Perhaps you can see why we worship chickens…..they truly are a higher form of life…..especially when combined with a variety of herbs. The Hidden Lives of Chickens Leading animal behavior scientists from across the globe now tell us that chickens are inquisitive and interesting animals whose cognitive abilities are more advanced than those of cats, dogs, and even some primates. Chickens understand sophisticated intellectual concepts, learn from watching each other, demonstrate self-control, worry about the future, and even have cultural knowledge that is passed from generation to generation. Dr. Chris Evans, who studies animal behavior and communication at Macquarie University in Australia, says, “As a trick at conferences, I sometimes list these attributes, without mentioning chickens, and people think I’m talking about monkeys.” Chickens comprehend cause-and-effect relationships and understand that objects still exist even after they are hidden from view.2 This puts the cognitive abilities of chickens above those of small human children.3 Scientists are so impressed with what we now know about the intellect of chickens and other birds that a group of international experts recently called for a new naming system to reflect the complex, mammal-like structure of avian brains.4 Dr. Christine Nicol, who studies chicken intelligence, reflected, “They may be ‘bird brains,’ but we need to redefine what we mean by ‘bird brains.’ Chickens have shown us they can do things people didn’t think they could do. There are hidden depths to chickens, definitely.” When in their natural surroundings, not on factory farms, chickens form complex social hierarchies, also known as “pecking orders,” and every chicken knows his or her place on the social ladder and remembers the faces and ranks of more than 100 other birds. People who have spent time with chickens know that each bird has a different personality that often relates to his or her place in the pecking order—some are gregarious and fearless, while others are more shy and watchful; some chickens enjoy human company, while others are standoffish, shy, or even a bit aggressive. Just like dogs, cats, and humans, each chicken is an individual with a distinct personality (and if you have bothered to read this far….tasty as well). Time to migrate, good day Sir! “In the pecking order of life…you do not want to be the one closest to the deep fryer” General Drumstik – Third War of Grease - 9021 ATE (after T'ckon Era) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KFC Posted March 14, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2007 We have classified our meeting as a KFC (Kill First Contact) incident and are despatching one of our top people to the area to investigate. So... your poor scout kicked the "bucket" did it? And the commander was sent home in a box? Or is that "bocks"? I heard the crew came out extra crispy! TErnest (I am sorry! Truely I am! I can't help myself, really!) Fowl! (oops, I meant foul...) IXITXL Well played Sir! Yet I detect a strong Northern accent in your writing as well! Far North indeed Sir.... I do hope you are not located upon a flood plain or at the confluence of two rivers? The smell of wet feathers can truly challenge the nasal capacity of the strongest of your species. One hopes that ducks are unlimited in your area of space, and that they migrate in significant numbers! Furthermore, that your feet/tentacles be webbed during the great warming of your planet! Time to get the flock out of here! Good day Sir! “If we get the chickens to eat the herbs and spices, will they taste better when we eat them?” Question asked by the main character of the smash hit holo-vid show….Jerry Sienfeather. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KFC Posted March 14, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2007 Just curious. Have you heard from your 'sister' empires Taco by the Bell and Pizza Hutt-Hutt recently? And I thought your races prayed in the Grand Cathedral to PepsiCo. Perhaps just some urban legend with no basis in facts. Oh, we did have a recent sighting of a Ken-Taco-Hut..... Octus Imperium Octus Imperium Sir We are not familiar with these empires at all! Have you had contact with them? Are they aggressive? Have they attacked your frontline or your waistline? We fear a two front war and have devised military plans to eliminate this kind of threat. It is called Von Scheffeather’s Plan. We are presently fighting a particularly nasty battle…we call it the “Battle of the Bulge”, but a general tightening of the belt has limited enemy progress so far. Any information about these empires would be appreciated and can be forwarded here…specifically, if they are at all related to birds….. OK, a chicken or two may have been inconvenienced during the writing of this response, but nothing more, we swear. There have been rumors and rumors of rumors about these empires. Based on the BMI of the locals, we suspect there is infiltration by the enemy into many, many empires in the northern hemisphere of the universe, if not the southern half as well. It appears their favorite approach is to chemically alter (via some mysterious process) the local food grain (often called 'corn') into a sweet liquid useful for improving the taste and consistency of consumable foodstuffs. It is thought that the early research efforts to create Improved and Advanced Foodstuffs resulted in this mysterious process being discovered. There is also thought to be infiltration of this consumable into popular beverages! Some radical recommendations include drinking only pure rain water and grain alcohol to maintain the purity of precious bodily fluids. Personally, our ministers recommend the latter and not the former. While belt tightening may reduce the appearance of a modest bulge, it tends to destroy clothing and produce an 'overhang'. Most unsightly. And uncomfortable. But a local professor has suggested a way to combat this undesirable bulging (and the general increase in the BMI as discussed above), a high protein diet excluding carbohydrates (for those life forms with protein-carbo-fat diets). I would recommend the diet by Senior Scientist Aatkinns to you and I think your race would find it enjoyable and easy to comply with. Plenty of fowl are in the diet and none of that nasty bird food they consume. We will continue to scan for these evil empires and post any meaningful sightings for the good of the universal community. Prime Councilor Octus Imperium To: Prime Councilor Octus Imperiu Good day Sir You communication has truly hit home with our people. Your suggestion of eating plenty of fowl resonates with many of our religious writings and scripture. We gladly extend an invitation to have your Senior Scientist Aatkinns visit and share his doctrine with our species. We do remain somewhat confused by your statement about consuming one’s “precious” bodily fluids. “Some radical recommendations include drinking only pure rain water and grain alcohol to maintain the purity of precious bodily fluids. Personally, our ministers recommend the latter and not the former.” I really need to get the Science Directorate working on the Type B Universal Translator to ensure I am reading your message correctly… Well, I am off for a late night snack box…I tend to get a bit “peckish” at this time of the evening. Good day Sir! Peter La Feather: “Yeah, uh, Patches... are you sure that this is completely necessary? Patches O’Feathers: “Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine?” Peter La Feather: “Probably not.” Patches O’Feathers: No, but I do it anyway because it's sterile and I like the taste. Peter La Feather: ...Okay. Quote from the smash holo-mov – Dodge-“Duck”-Dodge Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Krelnett_of_Kraan Posted March 14, 2007 Report Share Posted March 14, 2007 Dropped but not forgotten. If someone is in need of honey, we will supply. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KFC Posted March 14, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 14, 2007 Dropped but not forgotten. If someone is in need of honey, we will supply. Greetings Sir We have ancient writings and scripture that suggest that our species once used a golden liquid to dip our chicken strips into. This liquid would come in small packets to allow our forefeathers to sweeten the taste of our fowl. This practice has not been in use since the time of the T’ckon. As we understand it, when the T’ckon left, all inter-stellar trade between planets disappeared. Perhaps your species was the original suppler to our empire? Thank you for this generous offer, perhaps this will herald a new age of trade and commerce…yet with the aggressive policies of the Thaaker Deveastors, can this type of trade exist? Ahhhh, lunch…..must migrate to a fly through and tuck in…. so many choices….original or extra crispy…life is full of pleasures. “A bird in the hand is worth two in a pressure cooker” Words inscribed upon an ancient temple wall - Nova Richmond. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali-t-akua Posted March 15, 2007 Report Share Posted March 15, 2007 Ahhhh, lunch…..must migrate to a fly through and tuck in…. so many choices….original or extra crispy…life is full of pleasures. Was extra spicy forgotten as well? Ah it was a barbaric age if it was. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KFC Posted March 15, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 15, 2007 Ahhhh, lunch…..must migrate to a fly through and tuck in…. so many choices….original or extra crispy…life is full of pleasures. Was extra spicy forgotten as well? Ah it was a barbaric age if it was. Good day Sir You seem to know us well. Did our two species have contact in the age of the T'ckon? We usually do not speak of that barbarous time in our history. We call that period the Dark Meat Ages. It was a time of chicken without herbs and spices, pressure cookers, and cocawine. Truly a barbaric time for our people - and one best forgotten! My how time flies! "Buckk, buckkk, bucckccck!" - It's a COOKBOOK! Rough translation from chicken using a Type A Universal Translation Device Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali-t-akua Posted March 16, 2007 Report Share Posted March 16, 2007 Ahhhh, lunch…..must migrate to a fly through and tuck in…. so many choices….original or extra crispy…life is full of pleasures. Was extra spicy forgotten as well? Ah it was a barbaric age if it was. Good day Sir You seem to know us well. Did our two species have contact in the age of the T'ckon? We usually do not speak of that barbarous time in our history. We call that period the Dark Meat Ages. It was a time of chicken without herbs and spices, pressure cookers, and cocawine. Truly a barbaric time for our people - and one best forgotten! My how time flies! "Buckk, buckkk, bucckccck!" - It's a COOKBOOK! Rough translation from chicken using a Type A Universal Translation Device Perhaps in the distant past we did meet. Ancient memories of spice keep us warm now in a place where even our atmosphere freezes in the winter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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