KFC Posted March 7, 2007 Report Share Posted March 7, 2007 From the Desk of the Vice - President of the Nova Confederate States Vice - President Jefferson Davis MMLCXIV Imperial Palace - New Richmond Second Orbit of Nova Virginia Greetings to the Thaaker Deveastors #4217 We have received an Omega drone from one of our exploration ships we lost contact with two cycles ago. We apologize if we have intruded into space claimed by your species. Our exploration ship was on a standard “search and gather” mission for the eleven rare herbs and spices that we use in the preparation of our favourite food. Our intention was not to “ruffle any feathers” in this region of space. You will note that the ship was led by a lowly – wing - commander I am not at liberty to discuss the preparation of our food, food sources or the use/preparation of these rare herbs and spices. Therefore, I can not give the location of our meeting over open channels. We have classified our meeting as a KFC (Kill First Contact) incident and are despatching one of our top people to the area to investigate. His name is Cornel Thigh and he has been entrusted to open full negotiations with your empire - should you wish. I apologize in advance if our species seems repulsive in appearance or the smell of grease that permeates the inside of our ships and dress uniforms disagrees with you. You may discuss this matter with my envoy Col Thigh or contact me at this address with a PM to clarify your intentions in this area of space. Perhaps you would care to join us in a prayer at one of our gloomy Grand Cathedrals dedicated to Trans-Fattus the Dark One, generating favour for our empires in the eyes of Trans-Fattus the Dark One? Thank you in advance PostScript (PS) Your species is not related to any kind of bipedal – warm-blooded-oviparous vertebrate, fowl or birds that are prone to migrating long distances……are you? This would prove interesting for our future relations. Also, we are actively seeking to find the home world of the Flock. Any information you could provide would be of tremendous help. We are very anxious to meet this species! Must go, I am due for a quick by-pass on my fourth heart and I am late for surgery! No chickens were hurt in the creation of this sub-space message. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Uriel Posted March 7, 2007 Report Share Posted March 7, 2007 hehehe. funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TErnest Posted March 7, 2007 Report Share Posted March 7, 2007 We have classified our meeting as a KFC (Kill First Contact) incident and are despatching one of our top people to the area to investigate. So... your poor scout kicked the "bucket" did it? And the commander was sent home in a box? Or is that "bocks"? I heard the crew came out extra crispy! TErnest (I am sorry! Truely I am! I can't help myself, really!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KFC Posted March 7, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2007 Lord Uriel Surely Sir, you did not find the fact that I am about to have surgery upon my fourth heart humours? Our species has a total of five hearts, mostly due to a evolutionary response to our diet. Regardless of the fact that this type of surgery is very common in our empire, it does require that we be enter a “relaxed” state of consciousness for the procedure. Perhaps if you understood the “gravity” of this process you would not find this “funny.” As you are not familiar with this technique, I will indulge you in a brief description of this procedure: 1. We begin with a light snack box – ten pieces, coleslaw, dippin biscuits and gravy. Understand that we do not respect the use of rooted plants cut into strange shapes, and named after people from a foreign countries/empires or the concept of Freedom. 2. We follow this meal with a series of prayers to Trans-Fattus the Dark One. For the uninitiated, we stand clutching our left chest and induce sharp pains that run up and down the left side of our body. Sometimes we pray so hard we pass out. 3. We then carefully remove our white suits and prepare for the procedure. As we have finished a large meal, we are in a state of drowsiness and are very relaxed. 4. As we stand in the operating theatre, a red and white rotating bucket descends from the ceiling carrying the holo-surgery-suite. As the bucket picks up speed, the holo-lasers begin the cut – scrape – balloon insert – the various valves to our hearts. 5. With the surgery complete, we are moved to a recovery room. Here, an IV of thinned gravy is introduced, and the patient may only consume original recipe for one week. So you can see, this is no trivial laughing matter. For the sake of interstellar piece, we are prepared to ignore this transgression. In the words of our traditional greeting and parting… “my your fingers be licking good – cousin.” TErnest You Sir, are a ruuubarb! Furthermore, you are a true Southern Gentleman, a scholar, and I shall dance at your wedding! I laughed, I cried, I saw the movie...twice! Well played Sir! Good day! Once again, no chickens were hurt in the making of this response. We live in fear of Pamela Anderson and her evil crusade against us! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Octus Imperium Posted March 7, 2007 Report Share Posted March 7, 2007 Just curious. Have you heard from your 'sister' empires Taco by the Bell and Pizza Hutt-Hutt recently? And I thought your races prayed in the Grand Cathedral to PepsiCo. Perhaps just some urban legend with no basis in facts. Oh, we did have a recent sighting of a Ken-Taco-Hut..... Octus Imperium Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TErnest Posted March 7, 2007 Report Share Posted March 7, 2007 Oh, we did have a recent sighting of a Ken-Taco-Hut..... Would this be a good time to mention that I am trying to contact "McWendy King"? TErnest (Where IS my medication, anyway?) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WKE235 Posted March 8, 2007 Report Share Posted March 8, 2007 Did you notice all the lovely foods being lovingly consumed. But, not one mention of anything to wash it down with. It appears the Col Thigh, President Davis, and the Nova Confederate States (original and extra crispy) and in dire need of help from the Holy Brotherhood of Brewers. I mean, Bourbon and Water may be fine for standing around after a meal discussing the important elements of the day. But to wash the meal down you need some strong ales. Am I right??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mechanica Posted March 8, 2007 Report Share Posted March 8, 2007 ALE!!!! You would wash down a fine avarian repast and fixins with ALE?? Nay you scoundrel. Open up that ancient brewmasters guide your explorers found and start whipping up some Pabst Blue Ribbon. Oh, and don't be bringing none of that LITE crap around or my Siege Antimatter Blasters will get their annual test firing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kurassier Posted March 8, 2007 Report Share Posted March 8, 2007 Several Beer ships are on the way!!! We are also including several casks of good ole Kentucky Bourbon Whiskey. We are including a recipe for a mint julep, in case you care. Don't forget to visit your local StarBars!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali-t-akua Posted March 8, 2007 Report Share Posted March 8, 2007 Lord Uriel Surely Sir, you did not find the fact that I am about to have surgery upon my fourth heart humours? Our species has a total of five hearts, mostly due to a evolutionary response to our diet. Regardless of the fact that this type of surgery is very common in our empire, it does require that we be enter a “relaxed” state of consciousness for the procedure. Perhaps if you understood the “gravity” of this process you would not find this “funny.” As you are not familiar with this technique, I will indulge you in a brief description of this procedure: 1. We begin with a light snack box – ten pieces, coleslaw, dippin biscuits and gravy. Understand that we do not respect the use of rooted plants cut into strange shapes, and named after people from a foreign countries/empires or the concept of Freedom. 2. We follow this meal with a series of prayers to Trans-Fattus the Dark One. For the uninitiated, we stand clutching our left chest and induce sharp pains that run up and down the left side of our body. Sometimes we pray so hard we pass out. 3. We then carefully remove our white suits and prepare for the procedure. As we have finished a large meal, we are in a state of drowsiness and are very relaxed. 4. As we stand in the operating theatre, a red and white rotating bucket descends from the ceiling carrying the holo-surgery-suite. As the bucket picks up speed, the holo-lasers begin the cut – scrape – balloon insert – the various valves to our hearts. 5. With the surgery complete, we are moved to a recovery room. Here, an IV of thinned gravy is introduced, and the patient may only consume original recipe for one week. So you can see, this is no trivial laughing matter. For the sake of interstellar piece, we are prepared to ignore this transgression. In the words of our traditional greeting and parting… “my your fingers be licking good – cousin.” TErnest You Sir, are a ruuubarb! Furthermore, you are a true Southern Gentleman, a scholar, and I shall dance at your wedding! I laughed, I cried, I saw the movie...twice! Well played Sir! Good day! Once again, no chickens were hurt in the making of this response. We live in fear of Pamela Anderson and her evil crusade against us! We have heard of the Flock. If you should run into them, bring your Mk VI Pluckers because we understand these birds are tough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ixitixl Posted March 8, 2007 Report Share Posted March 8, 2007 We have classified our meeting as a KFC (Kill First Contact) incident and are despatching one of our top people to the area to investigate. So... your poor scout kicked the "bucket" did it? And the commander was sent home in a box? Or is that "bocks"? I heard the crew came out extra crispy! TErnest (I am sorry! Truely I am! I can't help myself, really!) Fowl! (oops, I meant foul...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KFC Posted March 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2007 Just curious. Have you heard from your 'sister' empires Taco by the Bell and Pizza Hutt-Hutt recently? And I thought your races prayed in the Grand Cathedral to PepsiCo. Perhaps just some urban legend with no basis in facts. Oh, we did have a recent sighting of a Ken-Taco-Hut..... Octus Imperium Octus Imperium Sir We are not familiar with these empires at all! Have you had contact with them? Are they aggressive? Have they attacked your frontline or your waistline? We fear a two front war and have devised military plans to eliminate this kind of threat. It is called Von Scheffeather’s Plan. We are presently fighting a particularly nasty battle…we call it the “Battle of the Bulge”, but a general tightening of the belt has limited enemy progress so far. Any information about these empires would be appreciated and can be forwarded here…specifically, if they are at all related to birds….. OK, a chicken or two may have been inconvenienced during the writing of this response, but nothing more, we swear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Uriel Posted March 9, 2007 Report Share Posted March 9, 2007 Hmmm. A strange aversion to root plants? What about mashed with butter? Very tasty. I also noticed a lack of commentary on biscuits with honey. There are a couple of species (dropped I believe) Krellnet (a type of bee, and Eternus (a type of flower) who may be able to assist in your honey production. At one time, there was a species of "doughboys" led by a creature with a ticklish tummy who may be very valuable towards biscuits production. Chickens, or other avian type species do exist, but are not too vocal I believe. As to my chuckle at your posting. Few empires post in character, and those that do are often entertaining such as yours. However, if you are offended may I offer to send some "diplomats," to resolve this dispute? Generals Grant and Sherman are quite willing to meet with you in your homes and courthouses to discuss the matter. A small element of the 20th Maine and Iron Brigade will escort them. Lord Uriel New Sparta Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KFC Posted March 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2007 Oh, we did have a recent sighting of a Ken-Taco-Hut..... Would this be a good time to mention that I am trying to contact "McWendy King"? TErnest (Where IS my medication, anyway?) Once again Sir....you are a true peach! Yet, I detect a "Northern" twang to your writing sir...almost north-western? Would I be correct? I do wish you luck in your search for the McWendy King Empire...We have found ancient writings left by the T’ckon (in an abandon ruined cathedral) mentioning an empire located in the “McDonaldland” system. There were directions that we have not been able to completely decode: Perhaps you can make better progress. We have included the text below: Turn right at the “Twoallbeefpaty”, Survey WP 12345 “Specilsause”, WARP, SS, SURV, MOVE, WP 789123 “Lettuschees” SURV, WARP ….. and here is where the message is missing a section….something about the “…..bun” system. Any help in decoding this message would be appreciated, and we would be willing to share any discoveries. We are active explorers and colonizers seeking planets capable of supporting the production of rare herbs and spices….oh yeah… and we are still looking for the Flock…… for religious reasons only. We worship birds…….. Yet, we have not received a reply from the Thaaker Deveastors #4217….We had hoped to make “peiecful” contact after the KFC incident. Good day sir Chickens….what chickens….there were no chickens here when I arrived. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KFC Posted March 9, 2007 Author Report Share Posted March 9, 2007 ALE!!!! You would wash down a fine avarian repast and fixins with ALE?? Nay you scoundrel. Open up that ancient brewmasters guide your explorers found and start whipping up some Pabst Blue Ribbon. Oh, and don't be bringing none of that LITE crap around or my Siege Antimatter Blasters will get their annual test firing. WKE235, Mechanica. Kurassier Surely Sirs, you would not be looking to offend us in our drinking habits (although some have guessed correctly - truly we are all of common T'ckon ancestry)? We understand that confusion over the customs of various species can occur upon initial contact; therefore, for purposes of clarification, we offer the following information. There are two dietary items we consume as liquids. The first is a local drink manufactured for medicinal purposes (as are all our beverages) on the main planets of Nova Atlanta or Nova Kentucky. The first medicinal concoction is called “cocawine”. This traditional liquid requires the use of another type of rare “herb” and spice in its manufacture. It has many uses both industrial to break down metals, and dietary, to break down grease in our veins. There is an old joke in our empire that says “Cocawine - not just for breaking down metal or cleaning warp drive engines anymore”. As you can see, this is the “real thing”, not some trivial beverage offered by other species (no offence Sirs). The second liquid of choice comes in two flavours. One is called Nova-JakD and the other (and my personal favourite) is something called Wild Turkey (I just looooove lookin at that there label on the bottle…makes me think about what is for lunch!). Now if you gentlemens were fixin fer a visit in our area of space, we would gladly offer you the opportunity to sample these fine beverages. Good day sirs Birds of a feather… stick to herbs better! (Children’s Nursery Rhyme – Nova Virginia) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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