Cry HAVOC!!!!

[Raja]

To: Commander of The Zraaknod Brotherhood Military Forces

Field Marshall Gizzkikk the Justified

 

From: Commander of The Pridelands Defense Corp

Grand Marshal Deadly Ancestor

 

Greetings Commander, I hope this finds you well. We have received our latest shipment from our home world from Advanced Cargo Mega Express (ACME). Field Marshal Bone Cloud is overseeing the unpacking and distribution of our latest equipment. Word from Khan Rending Talon is that this is going to be the last shipment for a few cycles and to proceed with offensive operations against our hated enemy.

 

I've instructed Majors Metal Blossom and Blood Weasel to start organizing our combined offensive. They have been instructed to work closely with your chief of battlefield operations, Major Zeklek the Stinger, during our joint campaign.

 

I also want to commend your chief of special operations, Agent 001 Jrklak of Mozkik. He and his staff have been quite cooperative with their intelligence gathering. Because of that help, I feel confident about our chances against our hated enemy. Good luck to you in the upcoming campaign. Military operations should commence at dawn.

[Krelnett_of_Kraan]

Deadly Ancestor of the Pridelands,

While our individual units appreciate your praise, it is only through the actions of the entire Hive working together that peace may be restored. We experience some trepidation working so closely with your non-Zraaknod forces, but the orders come from Dux Bellorum Krelnett of Kraan, voice of the Hive, and must be obeyed.

We who were Mad are now Justified. The existence of aggressor sentients has been confirmed, leaving many in the Devout uncertain about the future. Never have our drones and workers gone to "war" and we do not know what it will mean for our eggs' eggs.

What is certain is that the aggressors must be wiped out. Only with your help, and that of the Gods, is the final solution within antenna range.

 

Until the time of retribution, we bid you love, peace, and understanding

Field Marshal Gizzkikk the Justified,

Commander, Baker Guard of the Zraaknod Brotherhood

[Raja]

We have spent quite a few cycles training together. Despite your trepidation, our units have worked well together. While neither of our armies have been blooded, I expect a victory over The Kooky Regime. As in every conflict, there will be losses on both sides. I'm hoping that those losses are minimal. We have scouted out their army and its abilities quite extensively. Because of that time and effort, I believe that the odds are solidly in our favor.

 

Grand Marshall Deadly Ancestor

[Raja]

Deadly Ancestor looked across the table at the three other Prideland leaders, Metal Blossom, Blood Weasel, and Bone Cloud. "What I'm about to show you is classified at the highest levels. It is the sealed files on what has been called 'The Kooky Incident'. About 30 cycles ago we destroyed a Kooky Regime ship and took many prisoners. What amazed us was that the prisoners were made out of dough. Some had chocolate chips mixed in their bodies while others had nuts or oatmeal and raisins. Our curiosity and hunger got the better of us and we ate the prisoners. The pictures show what happened. The dough that comprised their bodies was extremely thick and sticky. As you can see from the pictures, it stuck to everything. Most of the people involved in the Incident had their fur shaved and their whiskers clipped off. In addition, we had to call in dentists to unstick their jaws."

 

"The Incident files were sealed and hidden away. I found out recently that the files and the data in them had been given to one of our research centers for study. They found out that if the Dougherians were subjected to high heat for a period of time that they stickiness would go away and they would become far less messy. We have been sent many ovens that would fit a Dougherian. There is a warning that the extremities might cook faster than the torso. In that case we will need to chop off the extremities and cook them seperate from the torsos. That way we can get a better batch that way. We have also been sent large quantities of milk. The theory behind that is the finished Dougherian might taste better dunked in the milk before eating. We will have to test that theory."

 

"Once hostilies have commenced we will need to divert some of the prisoners to our Oven Camps for testing. Notify your troop commanders. Dismissed!"

 

Grand Marshal Deadly Ancestor

[Krelnett_of_Kraan]

There are times we envy you your teeth. We are limited to landing on enemy corpses and absorbing their nutrients directly. Fortunately their sugar content is already relatively high, so little processing is necessary to turn them into honey.

Btw, what is this "milk" you speak of? We've absorbed the concept as you see it directly from your minds, but we still need clarification. Is it processed and concentrated food, like our honey?

[Krelnett_of_Kraan]

001-Agent 001 calling Field Marshal. Agent 001 calling Field Marshal.

FMGJ-Yes, Jrklak, what is it?

001-Sir, please maintain operational security. No names.

FMGJ-Agent, the enemy has no telepathic capability. For that matter neither do our allies. This exchange is completely untraceable. Now what do you want? Drop your shields and let me into your mind.

001-But sir, I...

FMGJ-That's an order, Jrklak of Mozkik. Drop your shields, now.

001-Yes, sir. Here's what I've found.

FMGJ-Ah, so the Kookies have WMDs, do they?

001-Weight Maximizing Devices, yes sir.

FMGJ-And your sources told you where to look?

001-Their minds were as soft as their bodies, Field Marshal. I extracted everything necessary.

FMGJ-Very well. Coordinate with Major Zeklek and find those WMDs! Before the Pridelands forces do. When their tummies are full they want to be scratched. *shudder*

[Raja]

Major Blood Weasel stalks into the room filled with Pridelands troops. "Alright you dogs, listen up! Hostilties against the Kookys will begin in 3 hours." Much growling commences from the assembled troops. "Yes, we've been waiting for this moment for a long time. Your ammunition load-outs are going to be modified. It seems that regular rounds just go right through their dough bodies with minimal damage. In most cases, the hole just fills in again with no discernible damage remaining. The only round we have in inventory that can do anything truly harmful are the explosive rounds. These rounds penetrate about midway into the body before exploding. What you'll see will be the Dourian literally exploding into many chunks of dough. Our experiments with these rounds have proven quite effective and popular. Just make sure to hit the torso and not an extremity. The explosive rounds can usually penetrate all the way through an extremity and explode on the far side of it. This does damage and hurt the Dourian but isn't effective in killing them." The Major points to a trooper holding up a hand. "Yes?" "What about hand to hand fighting against them?" "Good question. You will all be issued vibrosaws for close-in work." The troopers groan. "I know they aren't that popular with you but they are hugely effective against the Dourians. They can lop off a limb like a cold knife through hot butter." "I HAVE A QUESTION, SIR!" "Let me guess, Artillery Commander?" "YES, SIR!" "Thought so. Your load outs will have a considerable percentage of cluster munitions. A direct hit with a regular round will, of course, kill them. However, near misses don't do jack to them. Their dough bodies seem to absorb the shockwaves quite well. The cluster munitions will have a similar effect as our explosive rounds. Our airborne brothers will also be using cluster bombs heavily. Any further questions? No? Then head back to your units and let Kar-Tang bless your weapons."

[rfouasnon]

I have a suggestion.....napalm...that would " bake " them where they stand....and the feasting thereafter would be great and popular....

[Breoghan]

Napalm would leave an oily petroleum like taste, surely. Why not nuke them with low yield WMDs? It would be one way of stopping the attackers eating too many - wouldn't want to glow in the dark afterwards after all.

[Krelnett_of_Kraan]

I have a suggestion.....napalm...that would " bake " them where they stand....and the feasting thereafter would be great and popular....

Excellent suggestion. Our 30th Zraaknod Army Artillery Division and 51st-62nd Zraaknod Marines Air Force Divisions are being re-armed now. The 3rd-29th Heavy Fanatic Divisions and 72nd-98th Light Fanatic Divisions already have flamethrowers for close-in work.

Our troops now grok the properties of "milk" and are very excited for the celebratory feast this cycle.

[Raja]

Napalm was considered but was discarded. We want to cook them not burn them. Napalm is usually used to soften up an area before ground invasion. Our troops aren't near enough when the napalm would be dropped to put out the Kooky's in time to get that well baked setting. All we would find would be burnt bodies and those aren't appetizing. MDD's, while efficient in killing, would irradiate the bodies too much. Unlike my comrades in arms, The Zraaknod Brotherhood, we haven't yet figured out the flamethrower yet and have to resort to ovens instead.

[rfouasnon]

Waaaaa!!!! I want these roasted cookies and this liquid called milk!!!

[Kurassier]

We are in the process of building a StarBars 3 blocks from the kooky capital complex. We are, of course, happy to assist our fellow brewmasters. We are also installing a couple of extra large, ummm, errrr, 'pizza' ovens, yea that's the ticket, that our fellow brewmaster and his ally will be more than welcome to use. We have plenty of milk as well as other libations, including the universe famous Krelnett Mead.

Welcome!

Oh, and we have already installed a localized planetary shield (patented) covering the construction site, so no worries about stray ammunition.

[Sakarissa]

As the Founding Father of W.H.A.P.O (Warlords, Heathens, And Pirates Organization), I hereby award a membership within the organization to Khan Rending Talon of The Pridelands. The combination of naked aggression and cannabalism of another sentient species just warms the heart. Well done! *golf clap*

 

We alse extend an honorary membership to Krelnett of Kraan of the Zraaknod Brotherhood. This former member of the now defunct Galactic Senate has fallen sooo low. Aiding and abetting in the subjugation of another species from a 'peace-loving' race is quite inspiring. Bravo!

 

 

Sakarissa

The Circle

[Raja]

Grand Marshal Deadly Ancestor adjusted his helmet and microphone from his perch atop his command Ferret. He looked to his right and then back to his left. The line of Ferrets to each side of his command tank were a moments work away from full power. He checked his chronometer and at 0255 hours it was 5 minutes away from H-Hour. He picked up his binoculars and scanned the perimeter of the nearby Kooky guards base. This base served as a staging point for several of the Kooky regiments. They were about to get a rude surprise. He paused at the site of two Kooky senties poking each other in the belly and giggling. The Marshal just shook his head. How did these creatures ever achieve space flight? The perimeter was lightly guarded and the sentries lax and sleepy. Intel had been right about their lack of security. Surprise should be total. He looked down and the chronometer glowed 0300 hours. He smiled and keyed his mic, "To all units, Operation Bakery is a go. I repeat. Operation Bakery is a go. Havoc! Havoc! Havoc!"

 

He turned around and noticed the faint flashes on the horizon. The arty was on the ball. The plan was for 3 high explosive volleys ten seconds between each shot. Just enough to shake up the Kooky's and get them out into the open. Then the cluster munitions would be sent down range with the Kooky troops out in the open with no protection. Deadly Ancestor looked up when the fighter-bombers screamed over his lines. The base shook with the artillery impacts. A huge fireball gave testimony that a lucky hit had been scored on the fuel depot. With a savage grin, he dropped down into his command Ferret and buckled in. Keying a different channel, "To all Alpha Ferrets, start your engines!" The rumble of his Ferret drowned out the noise from the other Ferret engines. As commanders reported in their readiness, he ticked them off until all the Ferrets were ready. "Attack Plan Omega Omicron. I repeat. Attack Plan Omega Omicron. Execute! Execute! Execute!" The line of Ferrets jumped forward as they raced towards the burning Kooky base. A few shots from small arms headed their way but bounced off their armor. The huge drills on the front of the tanks started spinning and the chain link fence guarding the camp disappeared in a shriek of broken metal. The main gun fired. Again. And again.

 

It had begun......