101 Uses of a Dead Sponge

[Rednas]

Ok people it seems there are various uses already listed in the forums but here is the challenge. I want a list of 101 uses for a dead sponge Thats 101 seperate posts, you can post as many as you want and at the end I will list the top 10. Should prove an interesting distraction.

 

Over to you...

 

Oh no, not that again. Spongieboobie go see a shrink or something in that order. Or turn yourself in a closed hospital...my Gee, such a thing looking for some reckonignition or what??

Cut the cr.. and learn how to play a game, you have such bad results, no wonder nobody even has the guts to TA you. In the "old game" you woild be a lonely player...now you just a lonely player...huuuuuh? Hey that is the same.

So Boobie tug yourself in, drink your whatever you drink...and keep quit.

 

Greetings Rednas....still in VIC79 Boobie, yes still in. Your Iceland is now Obama territory, but we let him count ice bergs swimming by. So I think we are going to win this game...yes we can.

 

Good night.

[Sven Drake]

Ok people it seems there are various uses already listed in the forums but here is the challenge. I want a list of 101 uses for a dead sponge Thats 101 seperate posts, you can post as many as you want and at the end I will list the top 10. Should prove an interesting distraction.

 

Over to you...

 

Make a whoopee cushion out of it, and fill it with your own farts.

 

 

A DEAD SPONGE WOULD HAVE A GREATER IQ THAN ALL MEMBERS OF THE CONFEDERACY COMBINED.

A LIVE SPONGE WOULD ATTAIN ABSOLUTE SUPREMACY OVER THE CONFEDERACY BY TURN 5.

HOWEVER, AS THIS CONQUEST WOULD OCCUR IN A PADDED CELL, THE IMPACT ON THE GAME WOULD BE

MINIMAL.

 

 

I have the strong feeling you do not like the confederacy.....

 

Perhaps not. However, he hasn't declared war on any of us. Of course, he's French, and never in the annals of recorded history have the French ever won ANY war.

[Erich von Manstein]

Perhaps not. However, he hasn't declared war on any of us. Of course, he's French, and never in the annals of recorded history have the French ever won ANY war.

 

Napoleon?

[DezertCamel]

Perhaps not. However, he hasn't declared war on any of us. Of course, he's French, and never in the annals of recorded history have the French ever won ANY war.

 

Napoleon?

 

He won battles, but in th end.

[chairman lar]

Perhaps not. However, he hasn't declared war on any of us. Of course, he's French, and never in the annals of recorded history have the French ever won ANY war.

 

Napoleon?

 

He won battles, but in th end.

"Able was I ere I saw Elba!"

[Grimor]

[Perhaps not. However, he hasn't declared war on any of us. Of course, he's French, and never in the annals of recorded history have the French ever won ANY war.

 

really..???

 

 

Hundred Years War (Later Period) 1414-1453

 

Yes this and other hostilities are prior to France being a true nation state, but hostilities were concluded late enough to be taken into account as the modern era dawns and we are examining French military competency, and in achieving conclusive and advantageous political results from military means.

 

 

Ultimately all English possessions (with exception of Calais) revert to French control. Many people only seem to remember Crecy, Poiters and Agincourt, as if this decided the entire series of events. They forget Montargris, Patay, Formigny and Castillon, along with literal hundreds of successful sieges to reclaim the contested regions.

 

Italian Wars 1494-1559

 

Numerous French victories and acquisitions. While many conquered territories are lost or ceded to Hapsburgs, the reverse is also true at varying years, with many areas changing hands repeatedly. The great victory of Marignano is claimed by Francis I in subduing the Swiss.

 

 

French forces were anything but incompetent here, contrary to popular myth. While Pavia and Cerignola, among other battles, exemplified problems with French military doctrine, they were problems shared by all nations that would have to undergo drastic change in the next century as new technology and tactics were born. French forces always presented a match and, as ever, were never lacking in valor or enthusiasm.

 

 

Numerous Wars Within & Surrounding The Thirty Year's War 1626-1659

 

This is a rather large breadth, encompassing the Anglo-French war, fighting against the Hapsburgs, and civil wars within France, known as the Frondes. The English worked their way into the Frondes by means of political intrigue arising from the English Civil Wars. The French suffered some bad initial setbacks, with Hapsburg forces threatening Paris at one point, and the overarching war against Spain was simply exhausting. Dunkirk also fell to England and had to be bought back later. However, all in all France was a clear winner of the period.

 

France successfully turned back all major attacks into its homeland, and fought Spain to a taxing standstill by 1659. Some of the most famous battles of the period were French victories; Compiegne, Second Norlingen, Rocroi, Susmarshausen and Lens.

 

 

The battle of Rocroi demonstrated true evolution in military art and the death of the Spanish tercio. The battle of Dunes was also noteworthy of this period, although it was complicated as it was part of the Fronde: allied English and French defeating the allied Spanish and French.

 

By the end of these wars, France was the most dominant power in Europe. The foundations were laid for absolute rule under Louis XIV, and interest in surrounding territories. Clear and strong borders had been established. What applies to this discussion most though is France had also begun to lead the way, and would continue to in this period, within the area of military science.

 

 

Some of the greatest commanders were French: Louis II de Bourbon, and Turenne stand as masters of their art in this age. Their campaigns and principles were used to form military art long into the next century. Along with the great Dutch and Swedish commanders Maurice of Nassau and Gustavus Adolphus, the French commanders and system of war were seen as the model for all other European states to emulate.

 

 

 

 

Wars of the Reign of Louis XIV 1651-1715

 

 

A convoluted series of conflicts. Here is a basic breakdown;

 

 

I.) War of Devolution 1667-1668 France takes Spanish Netherlands and Franche-Comte. Militarily, France was totally successful , but must return all winnings (aside from small territories in Flanders) due to negotiations. Sets the stage for next war.

 

II.) Franco Dutch War 1672-1678 Leaves France with the Franche-Comte (and some Netherlands' territories) and Louis XIV as most powerful monarch in Europe.

 

III.) War of the Reunions 1683-1684 Again, France defeats Spanish forces and seizes additional territory. Resolution is not satisfactory enough for Louis though, and the strategic situation is still less than entirely secure in his eyes.

 

IV.) Nine Years War (War of the Grand Alliance) 1688-1697 Inconclusive, due to economic hardship in France, which the Allies were unable to exploit due to their own shortcomings and misfortunes. Still, from a military standpoint, France prevailed against an overwhelming coalition of enemies, with most engagements going to the French.

 

V.) War of the Spanish Succession 1701-1714 This hard struggle did not in general favor France tactically speaking, in contrast to all these previous conflicts within Louis XIV reign. Blenheim of course is what most people take from this war, emphasizing Marlborough and general French incompetence in that battle. French hegemony was indeed finally strained to serious levels, but the French forces were anything but incompetent. Malplaquet was a Pyrrhic victory for Marlborough, and Denain was a decisive one for the French. Very few other pitched field battles occurred, with the war consisting mostly of indecisive sieges.

 

 

 

On that point, there are other things of note concerning French military ability from this time. Not just the number of battles won and the great commanders, but the entire system of war;

 

 

- The French establish the first field artillery school in 1690. Surirey de St. Remy lays out reasoned principles of gunnery, and Louis XIV sees through him and others the establishment of the world's first organized standard of calibers and weights for both pieces and shot. Frenchmen Bernard Forest de Belidor and Blondel establish modern ballistics as a science.

 

- By 1693 the French raise the first special artillery regiments, where in other nations the practice continues to be that of raising and disbanding ad hoc artillery trains on a campaign by campaign basis.

 

- Throughout Louis XIV reign, France (along with Russia) maintains largest modern artillery inventory in Europe. This massive inventory is supported by one of the best (for the standards of the day) logistical infrastructures providing ammunition, limbers and other supplies.

 

- In 1604 France establishes unique nationwide regulations concerning fortifications.

 

- Military engineer Sebastien Le Preste de Vauban revolutionizes fortification and European military theory. France has first dedicated corps of engineers with established doctrine and regimen.

 

- First true flintlock invented by Frenchman Marin Le Bourgeois, first decade of 17th century. This period saw the equipping of masses of infantry with modern flintlocks, as opposed to other nations still using snaphaunces and matchlocks. The French, along with the Dutch and Swedes, lead in this area. As a side note, the French also introduced the first standard flintlock pistol in 1763.

 

 

 

War of the Quadruple Alliance 1718-1720

 

 

Not particularly noteworthy aside from the fact that France was allied with Britain for a change! Once again, French performed well militarily with successful operations against Spanish frontier on their shared borders, and also against Spanish forces in Florida, where they take Pensacola.

 

 

War of Austrian Succession 1740-1748

 

 

Again, this was a rather convoluted affair, involving also the Silesian Wars of Frederick The Great. The campaigns of Frederick and his Prussians get most of the attention from the average person. The military behavior of all other nations involved, including France, was hampered by bad politics, a hindrance Frederick largely could dismiss as he combined political and military powers.

 

 

However, when viewing this war as a measure of French military ability, we see again a very high caliber. French commander Maurice de Saxe was one of the more brilliant of the entire period and his theories on war were studied by many followers.

 

 

His defeat of the Duke of Cumberland at Fontenoy exemplifies his ability, with adroit use of field fortification and ability to make the enemy conform to his terms. He was far ahead of his time in the renaissance of field fortification (although he personally preferred that it be avoided if possible!) and skirmishing tactics .

 

 

After Saxe was able to better implement his plans, with the political obstacles subsiding, French forces were totally successful in operations against combined British, Austrian and other allied forces, taking the Austrian Netherlands and areas of the United Provinces in bold and decisive operations.

 

 

Seven Years War 1756-1763

 

 

This was the first period in a full one hundred years where France was shown to be militarily lacking. The battle of Rossbach in particular demonstrated how French command and doctrine had deteriorated. The conquests of Louis XIV, especially overseas, were mostly lost.

 

 

French forces still fought some admirable actions in the decisive American theater, and their use of irregulars along with Native allies initially was very offsetting to the British. Ultimately though, British naval superiority decided the issue.

 

 

French Assistance to the American Revolutionaries 1778-1783

 

 

Politically, the merits of this war for France are dubious, militarily it was very successful. The French navy had numerous successful raids on British assets, with a major battle outside Yorktown which conclusively sealed the fate of the besieged British.

 

 

On land, French efforts were best seen in terms of material and tactical contributions. The Continentals modeled their first military muskets after the French Charleville, in addition to using many of them, and French system of command and maneuver was studied and implemented by a nascent American officer corps for years afterward.

 

 

 

 

French Revolutionary Wars 1792-1799

 

 

France demonstrated surprising resilience and integrity in the face of inner strife. Hastily raised and ill trained Revolutionary forces time and again showed exceptional steadfastness and valor, as at Valmy, where French basically beat the Austrians psychologically without ever engaging in close combat.

 

 

Battles of this period were typified by heavy casualties, offset by Revolutionary fervor and eagerness to get in close and use the bayonet, but people would be wrong to see this as the sole and encompassing portrait of French military structure of this time. Most of the officer corps had either left or been imprisoned/executed for loyalty to the monarchy, and systems of training and logistics were in arrears because of civil unrest.

 

 

The indisputable fact is that Revolutionary France destroyed all Coalitions raised against them in this time, and added to this in 1796 Bonaparte emerged as the greatest French commander. There were great victories for French forces under him far too numerous to mention.

 

 

 

 

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During this later period, the French continued to demonstrate that they were at the pinnacle of military science, and began to reassert their domination of putting the science to practice:

 

 

- The French developed the All Arms Division as the main component of force. This was done after learning from lessons in the Seven Years War. The concept was first broached in 1759 by Marshal de Broglie, and its ramifications on military art were immense. The division fundamentally altered warfare, and when used by Bonaparte, allowed for the transition to truly modern maneuver warfare, by tailoring the divisional structure and combining them into corps and army groups. These are all of course the fundamentals till this very day.

 

- The French lead the way in Staff Organization. This was another outgrowth from the fatal lessons of earlier debacles. The evolution of this system was best exemplified by General Berthier, who served as Bonaparte's head of staff. The staffs of French generals and marshals made all other nations' look clumsy and outdated. French staff system was formalized in manuals, and strictly adhered to. Men of ability were given opportunity and appointment, and took great personal interest in the forefront of the battlefield developments.

 

- Entirely new system of raising force. Not just simply the use of conscription, but the ability to synthesize conscripted and volunteer forces into a functional national army on the scale never seen before. This also included promotion and assignment based upon ability rather than purchase or birth. Combined with superior staffs, this was a huge reason for the effectiveness of French marshals: men such as Lannes and Desaix, aggressive and resourceful, encouraged to act on initiative.

 

- The French developed l'ordre mixte. Radical new thought on the rapid maneuver of columns into lines and vice versa, along with new attack formations. It took the enemy's of France hard years of fighting to reorganize their infantry doctrines on this model. The ramifications of this were so immense they persisted into the next century, long after they became outdated.

 

- Emphasis on skirmishing tactics. The French were ahead of their time in utilizing skirmishers or piquets in an offensive role not usually undertaken. Men such as De Saxe saw the benefits of this early. Although more conservative as to what they should be armed and equipped with, Bonaparte was progressive in using light troops for the taking of positions in bold offensive actions. This, along with sappeurs, was one of the elements in his superiority over the other nations. Battles such as Jena or Aspern-Essling illustrate these principles well.

 

- Artillery was revitalized. This was not due simply to Bonaparte's emphasis, but also pursuits in doctrine before his time. While the Prussians and Austrians were the first to truly use horse artillery, along with the Russians shortly after, the French in this period revolutionized maneuver of artillery on the battlefield, as well as lead the way in the trend towards heavier pieces and the abandonment of battalion gallopers of the old days. The tactics for artillery were the most revitalized, of course due in no small part to Bonaparte.

 

 

 

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Napoleonic Wars 1800-1815

 

 

Greatest commander of the age, campaigns of unprecedented scope and decisiveness, combining speed, shock and unforeseen ferocity. Nothing more really need be said.

 

 

 

 

 

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Without going into every other minor war from this point on, it can quickly be summed up that France would participate, in no particular order, the following:

 

 

 

-Two expeditions to Mexico, both militarily successful.

 

-War in Italy, also successful, against the Austrians.

 

- Crimean war, as allies with Britain.

 

- Successful conquest of Algeria

 

- Successful operations in China.

 

- Successful operations within, and eventual conquest, of Vietnam (Indo-China)

 

- Franco-Prussian War: it was here that France was shown to have fallen behind the curve, again after another long period of continual military success. In fact, the successes of the earlier war in Italy had lead to a dangerous complacency unfortunately.

 

 

 

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All during, and after this time France was emulated militarily all over the world in terms of doctrine, training, weaponry, and equipment. Even uniforms were heavily copied. With the exception of the Prussian war, it was yet to be beat in colonial contests or in its interests within Europe at this period. Obviously, World War I would drastically alter views for all nations involved.

 

 

Even then, France lead militarily with the establishment of the first air force and modern, rapid firing artillery, epitomized with the famous "soixante-quince" or 75mm of 1897.

 

 

After the war, France continued to pioneer with new conceptions of fast, light tanks and small unit infantry tactics, among other areas.

[Guest Spongebob]

Shut Up France has never won a war. FACT

 

- Gallic Wars

- Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian. [Or at ths time in history, a Roman]

 

- Hundred Years War

- Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman." Sainted.

 

- Italian Wars

- Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

 

- Wars of Religion

- France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

 

- Thirty Years War

- France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

 

- War of Revolution

- Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

 

- The Dutch War

- Tied

 

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War

- Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

 

- War of the Spanish Succession

- Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

 

- American Revolution

- In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

 

- French Revolution

- Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

 

- The Napoleonic Wars

- Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

 

- The Franco-Prussian War

- Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

 

- World War I

- Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States [Entering the war late]. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

 

- World War II

- Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

 

- War in Indochina

- Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

 

- Algerian Rebellion

- Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

 

- War on Terrorism

- France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

 

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

 

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

 

Or, better still, the quote from the Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."

 

Further evidence..........

 

Norse invasions, 841-911.

After having their way with the French for 70 years, the Norse are bribed by a French King named Charles the Simple (really!) who gave them Normandy in return for peace. Normans proceed to become just about the only positive military bonus in France's [favour] for next 500 years.

 

1066 A.D. William The Conquerer Duke and Ruler of France Launches the Largest Invasion in the history of the world no other was as large until the same trip was taken in reverse on June 6th 1944 William Fights Harold for the Throne of England Which old king Edward rightfully left to William but Harold Usurped the throne Will fights the Saxons (English)wins and the French Rule England for the Next 80 Years. then the French start the largest building and economic infrastructure since the fall of the Roman Empire the Norman Economy skyrockets and the Normans inadvertantly start England to become a major world Power Vive La France-

 

Oh dear. We seem to have overlooked some basic facts. Firstly, Philip the First (1060 - 1108) was King of France at the time of the Norman invasion of 1066 - William was Duke of Normandy and, incidentally, directly descended from the Vikings. William was, therefore, as alien to France as the experience of victory. Since Philip did not invade England, the victory at Hastings was Norman - not French. Normandy may be a part of France now but it most certainly wasn't in 1066. Therefore, William's coronation as King of England had nothing whatsoever to do with the French. As usual, they were nowhere near the place when the fighting was going on. The mistaken belief that 1066 was a French victory leads to the Third Rule of French Warfare; "When incapable of any victory whatsoever - claim someone else's".

 

Mexico, 1863-1864.

France attempts to take advantage of Mexico's weakness following its thorough thrashing by the U.S. 20 years earlier ("Halls of Montezuma"). Not surprisingly, the only unit to distinguish itself is the French Foreign Legion (consisting of, by definition, non-Frenchmen). Booted out of the country a little over a year after arrival.

 

Panama jungles 1881-1890.

No one but nature to fight, France still loses; canal is eventually built by the U.S. 1904-1914.

 

Napoleonic Wars.

Should be noted that the Grand Armee was largely (~%50) composed of non-Frenchmen after 1804 or so. Mainly disgruntled minorities and anti-monarchists. Not surprisingly, these performed better than the French on many occasions.

 

Haiti, 1791-1804.

French defeated by rebellion after sacrificing 4,000 Poles to yellow fever. Shows another rule of French warfare; when in doubt, send an ally. The 4th Rule.

 

India, 1673-1813.

British were far more charming than French, ended up victors. Therefore the British are well known for their tea, and the French for their whine (er, wine...). Ensures 200 years of bad teeth in England.

 

Barbary Wars, middle ages-1830.

Pirates in North Africa continually harass European shipping in Meditteranean. France's solution: pay them to leave us alone. America's solution: kick their asses ("the Shores of Tripoli"). [America's] first overseas victories, won 1801-1815.

 

1798-1801, Quasi-War with U.S.

French privateers (semi-legal pirates) attack U.S. shipping. U.S. fights France at sea for 3 years; French eventually cave; sets precedent for next 200 years of Franco-American relations.

 

Moors in Spain, late 700s-early 800s.

Even with Charlemagne leading them against an enemy living in a hostile land, French are unable to make much progress. Hide behind Pyrennes until the modern day.

 

French-on-French losses (probably should be counted as victories too, just to be fair):

 

1208: Albigenses Crusade, French massacared by French.

When asked how to differentiate a heretic from the faithful, response was "Kill them all. God will know His own." Lesson: French are badasses when fighting unarmed men, women and children.

 

St. Bartholomew Day Massacre, August 24, 1572.

Once again, French-on-French slaughter.

 

Third Crusade.

Philip Augustus of France throws hissy-fit, leaves Crusade for Richard the Lion Heart to finish.

 

Seventh Crusade.

St. Louis of France leads Crusade to Egypt. Resoundingly crushed.

 

[Eighth] Crusade.

St. Louis back in action, this time in Tunis. See Seventh Crusade.

 

Also should be noted that France attempted to hide behind the Maginot line, sticking their head in the sand and pretending that the Germans would enter France that way. By doing so, the Germans would have been breaking with their traditional route of invading France, entering through Belgium (Napoleonic Wars, Franco-Prussian War, World War I, etc.). French ignored this though, and put all their effort into these defenses.

 

 

Seven year War 1756-1763

Lost: after getting hammered by Frederick the Great of Prussia (yep, the Germans again) at Rossbach, the French were held off for the remainder of the War by Frederick of Brunswick and a hodge-podge army including some Brits. War also saw France kicked out of Canada (Wolfe at Quebec) and India (Clive at Plassey).

 

 

The French consider the departure of the French from Algeria in 1962-63, after 130 years on colonialism, as a French victory and especially consider C. de Gaulle as a hero for 'leading' said victory over the unwilling French public who were very much against the departure. This ended their colonialism. About 2 million ungrateful Algerians lost their lives in this shoddy affair.

 

 

And if you have read this far then I feel my take on history is a little more entertaining than Grimors previous post - Something else the French are useless at, Entertaining, unless its at the stake on fire - Some french bird springs to mind. Anyway on with the show - pip pip

[the_dark_monk]

Now I know why you lost every game.....

[Guest Spongebob]

Now I know why you lost every game.....

 

You guessed it Monk me old China - I am French Viv La France

[the_dark_monk]

No, I do not think you are from France. Try another country.

 

The Monk

[Predator]

No, I do not think you are from France. Try another country.

 

whatever he is that post about the french was freakin hilarious

[ghost in the machine]

No, I do not think you are from France. Try another country.

 

whatever he is that post about the french was freakin hilarious

Google "French Military Victories" and press the "I'm feeling Lucky" button. When it says French military victories cannot be found, and asks if you meant "French military defeats" instead follow that link....

[Guest Spongebob]

No, I do not think you are from France. Try another country.

 

whatever he is that post about the french was freakin hilarious

 

I cant take credit for it, its from some web-page I found. I just edited it a little, but as you say very funny and a perfect counter to Grimors post

[madmat]

Tssskkkk dear Sponge,

 

Instead of "Im France 85", I thought we had agreed you would sign, "Im French food, please eat me!". Clumsy to mix this up. An excuse to all other players would be nice.

[Guest Spongebob]

Tssskkkk dear Sponge,

 

Instead of "Im France 85", I thought we had agreed you would sign, "Im French food, please eat me!". Clumsy to mix this up. An excuse to all other players would be nice.

 

Corrected Madmuppet