Galactic Humor

[Sssarass]

One day a frog came up to the bank teller Patricia Whack, (who liked to be called Patty. Patty asked the frog what he wanted he replied that he needed a loan to buy a new pond full of lily pads. Patty asked if the frog had a bank account with the bank. The frog replied no. She then asked if he any bank accounts, to which he again replied no. Patty then told the frog that he needed some form of collateral in order to secure a loan with the bank. The frog pulled out a small trinket, actually a small guitar that was autographed by Mick Jagger and told her that this little thing was from his Dad and could he use it for a loan. At this Patty was surprised, but said let me go check with the bank manager .

 

Going to the bank manager Patty told him the story and then asked what she should do with the autographed miniature guitar.

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No kidding this is the bank managers reply.

 

“It’s a nick knack Patty Whack give the frog a loan, his old man’s a rolling stone”

 

:lol:

 

-Sssarass

[Szorpek Rohannol]

There was an Indian Chief on a reservation and on day had a visit from the US Secretary of State for the Interior.

 

They met outside the Chief's teepee and the Chief invited him in to meet his squaws and various new children. Upon entering the teepee, on a small beaver hide rug was a young squaw with a new son. "This is my youngest squaw with my newest son, I call her Running Water."

 

Next to Running Water, on a larger bearskin rug, was the Chief's second squaw with her newborn twins. "This is my second squaw with my newborn twins, I call her Blue Mountain."

 

Next to Blue Mountain, sitting on a rug made from a hippopotamus skin, was his third squaw. "This is my third squaw with my young triplets, I call her Pythagoras," the Chief said proudly finishing his introductions.

 

The Secretary of State was mightily impressed and asked the Chief why, when his first two wives had normal Indian names, he had called his third wife Pythagoras.

 

The Chief replied, "Well, I thought that the squaw on the hippopotamus hide was equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides."

 

-- Szorpek Rohannol (without the underscore)

[gervais]

Many years ago the battery in my ancient Daf Daffodil (an old Dutch model, now defunct) had died because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the car.

 

I told her to get into our second car and use it to push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that because the Daf had an automatic transmission, it needed to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start.

 

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

 

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

 

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at about 40 mph, I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions ...

 

 

Gervais P-F

New Zealand

[Locklyn]

A dad walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

 

He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25-cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand.

 

Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?" "Oh, good heavens no" the man replies, "I work for the IRS."

 

 

The Interstellar Revenue Service, soon a subsidiary of the GGT

[4aeog16]

***-- VIRUS WARNING --***

 

Folks, I don't normally send out virus warnings, but this one is extremely serious. Please read very carefully and take care!

 

If you receive an e-mail entitled "Crazy Times" delete it immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

 

* It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

* It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

* It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

* It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.

* It will program your phone auto dial to call only your mother-in-law's number.

* This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.

* It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.

* It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.

* It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.

* It will give you Dutch Elm disease and tinea.

* It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.

* If the "Crazy Times" message is opened in a Windows 2000 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.

* It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

* It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

* It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles. (Remember Brut 33?)

* It is insidious and subtle.

* It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.

* It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

 

These are just a few signs of infection.

 

PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!!!

 

 

Limey O'Riley

[Locklyn]

This one made my partner (who is blonde) hit me hard repeatedly untill I cried 'Uncle'

 

One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help.

''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried.

''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Corn Flakes back in the box!''

 

 

Cheers

/Locklyn

[woody]

EVER WONDER where we are headed...

 

Why the sun lightens our hair,

but darkens our skin?

 

Why women can't put on mascara

with their mouth closed?

 

Why you don't ever see the headline:

"Psychic Wins Lottery"?

 

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

 

Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?

 

Why you have to click on "Start"

to stop Windows 2000?

 

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid

is made with real lemons?

 

Why the man who invests all your money is called a "Broker"?

 

Why there isn't mouse flavored cat food?

 

Who tastes dog food when it has a

"new & improved" flavor?

 

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

 

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

 

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the

indestructible black box?

 

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

 

Why they are called apartments when

they are all stuck together?

 

If con is the opposite of pro,

is Congress the opposite of progress?

 

Why they call the airport "the terminal"

if flying is so safe?

[Krelnett_of_Kraan]

-- Szorpek Rohannol (without the underscore)

Whoever you are, please stop spoofing my old empire. Especially as I'm reviving it as of this turn.

 

-the original Szorpek Rohannol

[Krelnett_of_Kraan]

The Scotsman Song (a drinking ditty)

 

Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evenin' fair,

And one could tell, by how he walked, that he'd drunk more than his share.

He stumbled 'long until he could no longer keep his feet,

Then he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

Ring-ding diddle-iddle I-de-o!

Ring di-diddley-i-o,

He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

 

About that time, two young and lovely girls just happened by.

One said to the other, with a twinkle in her eye,

"See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome-built?

I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?"

Ring-ding diddle-iddle I-de-o!

Ring di-diddley-i-o,

I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt?

 

They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman, quiet as could be,

Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see,

And there, behold! For them to view beneath his Scottish skirt

Was nothin' more than God had graced him with upon his birt'!

Ring-ding diddle-iddle I-de-o!

Ring di-diddley-i-o,

Was nothin' more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

 

They marveled for a moment, then one said,

"We must be gone. Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."

As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow a-

Round the bonny star the Scot's kilt did lift and show.

Ring-ding diddle-iddle I-de-o!

Ring di-diddley-i-o,

Around the bonny star the Scot's kilt did lift and show.

 

Now, the Scotsman woke to Nature's call and stumbled t'wards the trees.

Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees.

And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes,

"Och! Lad, I don' know where ya been, but I see ya won first prize."

Ring-ding diddle-iddle I-de-o!

Ring di-diddley-i-o,

Oh, lad I don't know where ya been, but I see you won first prize!

[Leener Prahoven]

A shout out to the HBoB. May you make much profit from the inebriation of others.

(Cliff Claven talking to his buddy Norm)

"You see, Normy, it's like this... A herd of buffalo only can move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it's the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of this frosty brew eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[Kurassier]

A shout out to the HBoB. May you make much profit from the inebriation of others. 

I'll drink to that!!

 

Hey, the other day someone stoled my wallet with all of my credit cards. I decided not to report the credit cards as stolen because the thief was spending less than my wife was.

[Takeda]

[A shout out to the HBoB. May you make much profit from the inebriation of others. ]

 

I'll drink to that as well.

 

Takeda

[Guest Zy'lar'isa]

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were flying an old gooney bird back to New Iberia. As the plane got near to the old navy field, Thibodeaux, who was flying co-pilot, was checking out the runway.

 

" Mah Boudreaux, that there runway it not too long you know. Maybe better we come in kinda slow. "

 

Old Boudreaux looks out past the nose of the plane and says, "Ok..."

 

As they get closer to the field Thibodeaux takes another look and exclaims, "I'swear that thing is mighty short. Let's go slow, full the flaps and be ready to hit them brakes!!"

 

Old Boudreaux replies,"Ok..."

 

Just as the plane crosses the outer boundary Thibodeaux yells out, "Aiyyeee....the runway is real short. We will go wheels down, hit the brakes, throw the engines in reverse, throw the chute, and drop the anchor!!!!"

 

Old Boudreaux grips the controls and grunts, "Mah alright already......."

 

The wheels touch down, the engines go screaming into reverse, the tires are smoking, the chute pops and the anchor is throwing sparks. The plane finally stops about an inch from the edge, the engines shut down and the brake smokes drift off.

 

Thibodeaux wipes the sweat off his brow, "Mah sha, that was just one darn short runway."

 

Boudreaux looks out the cockpit, first left then right and says, "Mah Thib you got that right but look how wide it is......."

 

[woody]

The phaomnneil pweor of the hmuan mnid.

 

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the tteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

 

Amzanig ...

[4aeog16]

THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY

 

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.

 

Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast some 20 miles from the forest. The fire-fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire.